We are in the midst of a heavy duty cleaning, purging and rearranging of our rooms. The kids rooms were done last week and we continue to add in some of their (yet new to them again) toys.
Can’t wait to be done and finally have a place we can relax and enjoy…. now… back to work!
Years ago, 11 to be exact, I wrote a poem that changed my perspective of the pain that had been the past several years of my life. This poem was a healing tool that blossomed me to open up and share my story about being a rape survivor.
With the amazing support of Tim, my husband, (then boyfriend) and a handful of friends I was able to share my poetry with professors at the college I was attending… leading to hearing the stories of others who endured the tragedy that is rape. And a year or so later I found myself as one of the key speakers at a Take Back the Night reading this and a few other poems describing the feeling, pain and struggle for help, hope and love that one has after being abused.
Well, in the past years some would think I’ve come so far and that it’s amazing to know that I’ve been able to do what I have with sharing my story but I know that wasn’t the end. There is so much more in store, I could just feel it.
And that brings me to this past week. I stepped out of my comfort zone and (pretty much) blurted out an idea I had in using the poem in another form… as part of a painting. I shared this with an old friend who, as I remember, is an awesome artist and he has agreed to help me with this project. I pray this will be glorifying God and that it will bring hope and healing to those that are touched by the project, start to finish. I know the blessings are continuing to unfold and I cannot wait to see the results.
I feel as though God has given me a glimpse of what the result will be and it has brought me to tears. Your prayers are appreciated.
Blessings,
Bobbie Jo
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Hold My Hand Dear Lord
As time goes by and memories come back,
It seems as though it’s faith that I lack.
Thoughts draw near each and every day,
As you watch over me, hoping I don’t stray.
Hold my hand Dear Lord, please don’t let go,
I sit and cry, rocking to and fro.
Closing my eyes, it’s all I see,
It hurts to think of what he did to me.
Friends and family, what I need most.
All this caused by his need to boast.
Fear instilled into my mind,
Love and trust is what I hoped to find.
Hold my hand Dear Lord, don’t let me stray,
Keeping me strong is what I pray.
Thanking you always for your strength and love,
As you watch over me from above.
Bringing into my life, those who help me stand,
Showing me how life can be so grand.
Don’t let me give up, or let me fall.
For being this strong, help me stand tall.
Hold my hand Dear Lord, that is all I ask.
I know as I move on it will be a great task.
Bless me with patience, kindness and love,
But also with love, from my Father above.
Written by Bobbie Jo (Cox) Ryan on March 24, 1999.
Well if you haven’t heard we are in the midst of rearranging yet one more time to help the lifestyle that is ours… of homeschooling. I am now trying to organize the bonus room (which was previously my office with Tim) to be my office and homeschool room.
It is going well, except today I had no motivation, at least none that got me to actually do anything about the mess that is this room… or the mess that is my kitchen. I love how it is coming together, however I do not love the idea of having to clean out my closet to organize my craft supplies. Okay… that also doesn’t REALLY bother me, it’s figuring out where the stuff coming out of the closet is going.
Again, I’m just back to the urge of wanting to “shake” out my house and only take back inside the things I need. It’s so overwhelming to think of all the stuff that I have in here! As my mother-in-law says, I have enough toys and school supplies for several schools! LOL
I guess it’s one of my “stretching” points… and I’m not good at the patience needed for that… can you tell?
Well… off to figure out what it is I’m doing with the ground beef that is waiting to be our dinner. Man I wish I had a cook and maid right now. LOL
P.S.. HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my favorite (and yes only…. but still, favorite) Mother-in-Law Liz Ryan. We love you so much and look forward to seeing you soon!
Today I had a near death experience… okay, maybe I’m being a little over the top with this but as we were driving down a busy Cobb Parkway, trying to meet up with a customer at a Chick-fil-a (mind you there are a TON in a five mile radius in that area! LOL). Tim is driving the car (aka stick shift) while talking on the phone trying to figure out just which place we should meet up and he turned for a moment or two looking around and BRAKES!!! BRAKES!!!! I yell.
Tires screeching, the back of the car in front of us get closer much to quickly for my comfort and Tim still holding the phone (not sure if it was to hear or not, it’s really quite a blur) but he managed to swerve into the right turn lane and stop us… about four car lengths ahead of where we needed to be stopped.
So like I said…. Thank you brakes!
P.S. The kids informed him that they did not enjoy that, that it was scary, then they proceeded to ask why Mommy yelled!?!?!?!?
Many times I’ve beat myself up about the way I handle relationships but it has occurred to me that the best way you can be a friend (or family member) to someone is by being there. And I’m not just talking about physically there, because that isn’t always possible, but showing up in a quick call to see how they are doing, to drop them a text to let them know you are thinking of them or even (I know I’m going out on a limb here…) a handwritten note or card.
But how many times are we let down because others are just too busy to take the few minutes to say, “Hey I was thinking of you today and I wanted to let you know you are important to me.
Okay, I will be the first to admit that I am addicted to Facebook. Why not, it has everything you could ever want. Your friends, ways to make new friends, ways to spy into the lives of others with their permission. Ways to entertain you with pictures, videos, music, notes, letters, heck they even have applications to do just about anything including keeping track of your weight loss goals, tattoos, buttons, bumper stickers and much much more… then there is the games.
So with that laundry list of things you can do on Facebook it is evident to me that I miss that human interaction. I miss hearing people’s voices, I miss getting exciting news from others in person or even on the phone so they can hear my excitement for them and be encouraged… and I miss the ability to help a friend in need by listening or talking or praying… an (up to) 2 short paragraphs for an update just doesn’t cut it.
So, as I sit here finding one more way to busy my life I challenge you to pick three friends, or five, or more.. and send them a post card or write them a letter. For those are the things that I truly cherish… the written words of my loved one or friend from them to me and only me… and audience of one.
I have struggled with what to write and how many details to let out and when. Just know reality is not what you see…
There are so many that would be blown away by the burdens I carry and I don’t know how to let them go. I guess part of me wants to unleash them and watch others react… and part of me is scared of what comes after they hear it.
I try to be a good person. A good wife and mother. A strong friend and Christian. Yet at this moment in time I feel as though I’d like to erase daughter and sister off my list of titles. It breaks my heart every time I hear words being used to only ridicule someone I loved so much.
I want to yell and scream, point fingers and fight. I want to tell the truth yet here it is, stuck inside me and ready to explode… exactly how it’s always been. Secrets I must keep, a me I must not show others because I am too afraid they will not understand, believe me, love me, whatever it is, it’s keeping it tucked in this not so neat package of me and I think I’m ready to lose it.
With that said, I sit, listening to the Christian music I rely on to help me feel a little less pain, a little more normal, a little closer to God. That is what today has brought… what the past, almost, month has brought… what my past has brought. I guess I just want to be free and don’t know how to be… it would break too many hearts and too many others would have a burden I don’t know they can carry and some who I don’t think would survive the words if I told them.
Please God… help me with this pain. For you are the only one who truly knows what has happened… and yet you believe I can stand under it. I’m putting my trust in you, that you know what is best. And that you will release me from this or help me to release myself…
Okay, just have to vent a bit. You know the saying “you give an inch, they take a mile” or at least that is how I think it goes… I am living in that reality.
I’ve come to realize when you are nice to people (at least certain people) they tend to take advantage of you. With my graphic design business it seems as some customers do not understand that a proof is a business document used to show you a sample of what your purchase will look like and when you give the okay on that proof that means when you get the item in it is GOING TO LOOK LIKE THE PROOF! Hence the reason I ask them to make sure it is exactly how they want it.
I am putting into place a MUST SIGN PROOF clause into my business with a WILL NOT REORDER IF IT IS NOT MY FAULT clause. I am tired of wasting precious time and money to fix jobs that could have been easily taken care of had the customer done their part of the job.
I know this sounds bad of me complaining but this is a business and I cannot be responsible for your lack of planning and/or proofing.
I am also considering a I NEED IT NOW fee for those that decide they cannot wait for me to do their job in the time frame that was agreed upon.
Signing off from the desk of a bitter designer… I’m hoping this purging will take it off my shoulders so I can let go and give it over to God. Obviously I need to work on my stress level a bit.
P.S. Pray for my understanding and the words I think and speak so I can reflect my faith in all my interactions today.
